How To Win An Argument

Now before you get too excited, this isn’t about proving to your partner that he or she is wrong. You’re a team. There should be no losers. If you feel like a loser after a fight, then things need to change – on both sides. No one should feel like a loser after a fight, because both parties should be working toward a successful partnership. And that sounds like a win win to me.

My own marriage was constantly a fight between who was right and who was wrong and we never saw any progress. During one disagreement, my husband said in a very frustrated tone, “Okay, fine, you win.” I said, that’s not even my goal! Because we’re still mad at each other. My goal is not to “be right,“ my goal is to come to an agreement. Kindly. Respectfully.

Here are my five golden tickets to winning an argument; and by that I mean, you and your partner both cross the finish line TOGETHER!

First Golden Ticket: Set Up A Time

If I had a complaint against my husband, I tried talking to him in the morning. He’d get annoyed and tell me he just woke up. I’d try talking to him at night and he said he was trying to wind down. I’d try midday on a day he’s not working and he’d always have some sort of reason why he couldn’t have the conversation.

So I tried a new approach. I went to him gently and expressed, hey, I’d like to talk to you about such and such. Is there a time maybe tonight or tomorrow that would be a good time for you?

Magically, most times I tried this approach, he had time to talk in that exact moment. However, it wasn’t magic at all. It was human nature. When conversations start off negative and harsh, the other person shuts down immediately and tries to postpone the conversation. It wasn’t that I was asking him all at the wrong times, it was that I was asking him in all the wrong ways. I needed to give him the opportunity to consent to the conversation. I needed to allow him the chance to be willing to engage instead of blindsiding him with my frustrations.

When we agreed on a time, whether he accepted in the moment or chose a later time, those conversations were more receptive than the moments I just said a negative comment in passing first thing in the morning. Go figure, I guess right? I realized, giving a person the time to chose when difficult conversations will occur, will make those conversations less difficult. Both parties are agreeing that the conversation will take place, and no one is blindsided. Next time you feel your partner is starting to become upset, kindly acknowledge their feelings and ask to set time aside to talk about it (the sooner the better).

It can look something like saying something like this, “Hey I see you’re getting upset and I want to be able to give you my full attention but I’d like to leave for work on a really good note with you. Can we set a time tonight or tomorrow to talk about it?” or “I can see I did something to make you upset, but I’ve had a really tough day, do you think we can talk about it in an hour?” How different would your day go if you responded to their heat with this?

Second Golden Ticket: Acknowledge Emotions, Don’t Fight Them

People are not just born with an attitude. No one just wakes up angry – well maybe some do if their partner’s behaviour is predictable. If your partner becomes irritable or develops an unexpected attitude, acknowledge that something is upsetting them rather than retaliating.

Though, speaking harshly is unacceptable on your partners behalf, in order to get your partner to hear you, you must first bring them out of that fight or flight response. In the fight or flight response. the body is concerned about one thing: survival. When the body is trying to survive, it is not trying to learn. People are able to learn and retain information better in the rest and digest state; where they feel calm and at peace. Bring them down to a calm state where a conversation can be held. Anyone who is upset would like to know that they are heard.

If you look at your partner and give them your full attention and simply say, “I see I’ve really upset you, I’d like to know more about how you feel.” You would have suffocated the fire from blowing up. You would bring them into a rest and digest state – ready to listen to what you have to say.

Third Golden Ticket: Set the Boundary

Progress is far less likely to occur when there is attitude or unkindness. So the first thing you have to do before communicating is check the tone for yourself and for your partner. Society has accepted a nagging partner as an inevitable element of marriage. “Oh, you bicker like an old married couple.” But the truth is, speaking negatively, rudely, or harshly to anyone should be intolerable and unacceptable. No wonder less and less people are wanting to get married with this nonsense being portrayed as the norm.

If you feel your partner has a habit of being snappy with you, or has attitude, you probably respond in one of two ways. Either you get rude back, angry, and a fight breaks out. Or you dismiss it and pretend it’s water off a ducks back. Whether it is or it isn’t, it’s deteriorating your partner’s character. Whether you believe it or not, it’s also deteriorating your self-worth! It’s not strength, it’s weakness and it’s not causing your partner to be more attracted to you if you let them talk to you like that – especially in public. Who wants people to think their partner is rude? You should want to help your partner have good character and learning how to treat and respect each other in public and behind closed doors is an important part of that.

Having self-respect is attractive because it is a sign of strength. People respond well to being told, “Please, don’t speak to me that way.” Maybe because it shows you care. You’re listening and you want to do better. You want your partner to do better. It’s an act of love that they feel you truly care about creating a healthy marriage.

Before continuing, set the boundary in a polite way – especially if it’s the first time. State how you want or do not want to be spoken to. Confidence and self respect is attractive and if done with gentleness it almost always leads to positive results. It’s constructive criticism so don’t think you’re tough just because you let your partner talk to you however they want. Here are some ways you can set the boundary when harsh language or tone arises.

“Hey, I see I’ve really upset you, I’d like to know more about how you feel. But before we continue, I don’t like the way you are speaking to me.”

Another way to say this would be, “I can see you’re really upset but please don’t speak to me like that. I’d like to talk more about how you feel without raising our voices or being mean to each other. How does that sound to you?”

It is so important to make “please” and “thank you” a part of our daily vocabulary with our partners – especially in tense conversations. We often become so comfortable with our partners that we lose sight of how powerful these words are and we think we can stop using them. A boundary set without a please can come across as defensive and cold. It’s like a little sprinkled reminder that this I still love you even when times get hard. It’s a reminder to your partner that, “You’re my King/Queen and I want to cross the finish line with you, so let’s work this out.”

Tip: Hypocrisy and self-righteousness is deadly to a marriage. If you’ve been known to be rude in the past, acknowledge that you’re aware you’re responding differently this time and work hard to be consistent with the new normal for yourself. Your partner may feel defensive at first and have difficulty trusting that you are genuine – that’s understandable and give them time to trust you. However, if you are consistent and humble, your partner will eventually value your effort to change and begin seeing that you truly are being authentic.

Fourth Golden Ticket: Take Responsibility

Furthermore, the most difficult step; take responsibility. Allow them to talk and truly listen to why they are so upset. Build their trust that you understand why they are frustrated. Affirm that their frustration is valid. This is also a perfect place to acknowledge that you can understand why they are upset, but also express why you did what you did. Have a conversation; a constructive one. Let your partner hear your side.

A good apology should not have a “but,” but it can have an explanation. A good marriage will always have good communication, which means knowing the reason someone made a bad decision.

“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I got really frustrated because what you said hurt me and instead of expressing myself in a calm way, I got defensive.”

To which the other party member should acknowledge the hurt they caused.

It’s not, “I’m sorry I reacted that way but you deserved it!” That’s not helpful or constructive!

Have a goal that you want to be united at the end. You want to find common ground, not dig your heels in. You can ask questions to get further clarification on why such and such made them upset. You can also share your side if what they want is not functional or realistic for you. This is extremely important for finding peace or else you will constantly be wrestling with each others expectations.

Fifth Golden Ticket: Create A Functional Plan

After talking about what it is that made them so upset in the first place, create a plan to avoid it happening in the future. Does their frustration merit a change from you? Do their expectations need to change? Are they asking you to do something that is realistic and are you willing to do it? If you are not willing to do it, they needs to know. Don’t lie in the moment just to stop talking – this leads to more issues later. Settle on a system that works for both you before ending the conversation. If there is a reoccurring argument then it’s clear there’s a communication error.

I’d ask my husband repeatedly to adhere to the systems we had in our home. “Put your shoes away please, put your keys where they belong, This doesn’t belong here.” Finally I sat him down and calmly (cause I’d been working on my tone) asked him why he was not doing the daily tasks that we agreed on. He finally admitted that the systems didn’t work for him. He didn’t like them. So after being really annoyed he didn’t say this in the initial conversations, we brainstormed a system that worked for both of us. Sometimes that looked like an altered system than what I had, and sometimes it meant having two systems, one for his belongings and one for mine. The goal is to create peace in the home, and create a system that works for both of us, not to have a copy of myself.

Tip: No one likes to nag. I promise. But if you have a nagging partner, they simply don’t know how to get you to listen. Communicating is hard. So if they don’t know how to communicate other than nagging, you can set a new example of how your household will communicate. Negative comments as you pass by only irritates you and makes you less likely to want to abide. So communicate that. Set aside the time to express there’s a communication problem. They want something, you want to try and give it, you want it to be realistic for you to do it, but you want to respect each other when you ask.