This blog is really for the husbands (or boyfriends) to read. Her focus is on this new baby and will have very little energy to work on building a strong marriage. But this is the time when it’s most crucial for this is the foundation on which a strong marriage is built. Men, don’t miss this part of when your role as the provider truly begin!

Having a baby is hard. Coming home from work and instead of being able to relax or watch something there’s now a million things to do, it feels like your head is going to explode. 

It’s hard. 

But she’s also got it hard. No part of her life is the same. And remember, she is still recovering. Emotionally and physically. Again, she’s in survival mode the moment she went into labour. To her, nothing else matters other than this baby. 

Arguments are naturally going to occur. You’ve had different experiences on what it took to become a parent. Miscommunications will happen because she can’t fathom how you don’t understand how she feels – but how could you? You didn’t experience what she did. 

You aren’t angry at your partner. Your partner isn’t angry with you. You’re arguing because you’re both tired, confused, stressed, and simply wanting to do what’s best for baby. Wouldn’t it be better to handle all those emotions and conflicts alongside the person you loved?

When my first baby was born, the tiredness hit us like a transport truck. But because we did our best to love each other and not take our anger out on each other (though it still happened from time to time!) I remember many days, being so tired and my husband and I would look at each other and laugh at how exhausted we were. How hilarious it was to us how humanely possible it was to be this tired. 

This is where you can do two things in order to stay connected. These two things are not fool proof, mistakes will still occur and each scenario for how the mother feels is beyond what you can anticipate. But these practices can greatly increase your chances of making this transition into parenthood one that you can do together. 

Be A Father

Love this baby. That doesn’t mean show pictures to your friends or talk about how you’re a dad now, no. That means actively show love TO your baby. Take care of the baby and their needs. They need a diaper change? Do it. They need food? Get up and bring your baby to it’s food source. They need comforted? Hold your baby with patience and gentleness. 

Know your baby. This isn’t just her baby. She shouldn’t have to be the only one knowing what it needs. You’re the father. Know what they need, buy what they need without having to ask – tell her, baby needs more diaper, is going after dinner a good time for me to run to the store or would you like to go?

You heard the baby poo, regardless if your partner is holding the baby, take your baby and change them. One baby use up to 5,000 diapers during infancy and toddlerhood. A stay at home partner will probably do two thirds of that with no one being around to ask for help. You can do the last third with no qualms – even if she’s around. Trust me, she will remember how many diapers you changed. Your kids will also ask when they grow up. Make it a number you’re proud of.

So simply just be a father. And do fatherly things. Which is everything except breastfeed. 

Remember

Remember what she has just been through. Be sensitive. Be kind. Be appreciative and be encouraging. Tell her everyday how beautiful she is. Tell her everyday how grateful you are that she gave you a child. Tell her everyday how hard it must have been and how you’re there for her if she needs to process or talk. If she had a traumatic experience, your presence is mandatory ten fold. She will need a lot of support to heal emotionally and physically. 

The worst thing you can do to a woman who just birthed your child is to think it was a one day event and it’s not going to affect the rest of her life. Each birth affects the woman everyday after. Women reflect on their birth and they get asked to repeat the story of their birth to friends and family. They must include the parts that you participated in and if you didn’t participate or if you behaved poorly, she has to either lie about it to herself or if she’s honest, she’s judged. 

This is a one day event (sometimes more) that is relived in her mind time and time again. 

So every now and then, remind her that you haven’t forgotten how much she has done for you. Remind her that you haven’t forgotten that day. How hard it must have been for her. Remind her that if she still needs to talk, you’re there. If she’s snappy or upset and she can’t express why and you don’t know what you did, resort back to number 1. Pick up the slack with the baby. Love that baby. 

A new mothers internal instincts is to protect her baby. So when she sees a gentle giant come over, pick up that baby with loving arms, care for it, put it in the stroller, a wrap, whatever it is, care for it, change it’s diaper, get what they need without being asked because it’s his baby too, she sees able drop her defences. She’s doesn’t see herself as the only protector. She sees you as a protector. 

She is not against you, she is biologically wired to protect this baby. She will be more easy going if she knows she can rely on you to protect her baby – and she should be since you’re their father!

Be Friends

Marriage without friendship is passionless. The ONLY way you can have a friendship in a marriage is to spend time talking as friends. Not time talking about bills, children or frustrations, this isn’t what friends talk about, it’s what married people talk about. These are important topics, but they do no foster a friendship. Conversations that include laughter, enjoyment, or pleasure build friendship. Friendship doesn’t have to always be in person. If life is busy and you don’t get much time together throughout the week, you can sprinkle it throughout the day. It can be a text or a phone call on a lunch break throughout the day – but the friendly interaction is key! 

If there is time to spend together, resist turning on the TV! Unless you truly enjoy watching a show together, laugh together, and then talk about the show afterwards, turn it off and do something else that facilitates more interaction between the two of you. Generally ask yourself, is watching a show together really the best way to unite you guys? Or do you think that ANY other activity would do a better job at creating a connection? Do you really want to constantly look back at your good times together and the only thing you can say is, “Remember that one show we watched and the characters did this crazy or funny thing?” Don’t you want to say, “Remember when WE made funny or crazy memories?” 

Perhaps having a hot beverage on the couch together after a long day, going for a walk, or even a board game together can build a friendship. My husband and I began working out together after we put the kids to bed. It was a solid hour of us chatting about the day, laughing together as we engaged in a stress-free, enjoyable conversation. I didn’t realize then, but it was this practice that lead to our friendship becoming stronger. We slowly began to treat each other better, smile at each other more, encourage each other, and care about when we hurt each other. We began to have more patience for error or miscommunication because the friendship was stronger.

What were some things you did that helped you stay connected to your parter?